Is anyone out there?

Lonely.
I wonder if there's anyone out there. If it matters if I write or not. In some ways this is my cowardly way of showing courage. Writing my feeling on the web and letting the world see. But no one really sees. I exist here in the blogosphere, but not really. I think 2 people even know this blog exists.

I still write because I have to. This is my Catholic confession: a keyboard and monitor. A google hosted blog site.
I'm not even benefiting this blog by adding photos, or exciting and personal information like my name or my nationality or my eye color or that my husband has a duck dynasty-esque pension for bearding. I'm being lazy, selfish and stubborn. I figure if I put too much effort into this and it fails - I'll abandon my efforts entirely. If I do the bare minimum, I just might keep this little blogging booger afloat. Defeatest mentality - maybe not the healthiest - but it just might work.
This isn't even about conjuring up an audience. it's my cathartic release. My need for transparency to be satisfied. I'm apt to let it out somewhere, might as well be here. Where self-flagellation is highly discouraged. To a benign e-priest audience.

Back to my first word.
I feel Lonely. Bundled with fear. Fear of new friendships that might demand more of me, require attention and effort beyond my comfort zone. But that leaves me still very lonely. I'm asking for God to fill the space in between. Where I need things I'm not ready to be responsible for. Where He's tested me and I've failed.

Attention Deficit moment: I got a Himalayan pink salt lamp for Christmas from my Editor and Bearded Chief . It's glowing reflection appears on my screen below where I type. It's happy. Apparently it's supposed to purify the air and add negative ions to the impurities and weigh them down to the ground. No longer airborne and now vaccumborne. Something like 2 pounds of salt purify a 10 foot space. A 10'x10' area needs a 12 pound salt lick...err...rock. Somehow that math doesn't add up.
Math makes me panic so I'll leave it alone.

When I was 19, I got a tattoo on my right foot. It was supposed to be Japanese Kanji meaning 'Courage'. Ironically, it turns out the symbols and their meaning got a little lost in inking translation. A constant reminder that courage doesn't come after one too many shots of Wild Turkey. Courage cannot be penned on a body part and somehow sink deeper than one's skin.

Courage is an antidote to my loneliness. It's one of the core ingredients that brings about joy and fullness. If I can be what God called me to be, say what He's called me to say and love the way He designed me to love, then problem solved. Now - I just need to do it.

I ask the Lord to bring me a strength that only the Holy Spirit can provide. Fill me with Your power. I have Christ in me - I need to activate the power with my thoughts first, then my words. Speaking life over myself and those around me. Amen.